Our newest grandchild will not know the joy of making memories with Slanz. It hurts so deeply, like a cracked rib it is difficult to take a breath. You want to hide your pain from everyone but it is written on your face. My son asked me "mom, what's wrong you look so sad?" "Well, Junior I'm sad" "why?"
"My life sucks now" and then the tears cannot be contained. I don't understand why anyone doesn't know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. It is simple. Who killed my husband? When will they confess? "Do I keep going on? "Will I ever truly care about life again?""Do I become a vigilante and exact justice on those I believe responsible?" "If I lose my mind and lose my soul then we can never be reunited in heaven." I feel guilt for being so jaded but I do not believe I will ever be anything but sad and crying and it is unbearable. I can stand to be alone, it's not loneliness. I just can't be without Slanz because he is what made life good for me. I'm certain that having this mentality is disrespectful to God so I will just have to say sorry. I'm working on it. Please pray for justice. That would bring me some small decimal of ......
Not sure what word works here not joy, not peace, not happiness, not even justice itself is enough. But, I'm praying it's the start and I'm praying it's soon.
Confess. Repent. Be Forgiven. Please.